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Sep. 24th, 2004 @ 10:01 am slide librarian
i've got to take a break from shooting slides. the lights burn my skin worse than a tanning bed and smell like there is something dead in the room. so last night i stayed with rebekah and adrien... it was much fun as we were total girls about everything and i just relaxed and acted the part. not really acted like was not myself acted, but let myself go and didn't worry about anything. r and i went to james last night to say hi to sammy and he and these other guys were in the computer lab playing poker and it was hilarious... we were both in rare form last night and none of them (except sammy who know's better) believed for a second that we were sober. we were all giggles and smiles (not a rarity!) and could not persuade them otherwise. it was fun though. now i am tired from being a girl until almost 3 this morning. i also had a lovely talk with someone who tends to be one of my greatest friends lately... he just cares and that's good. we're so alike in mindset and worldview and the way a relationship should work so i love that we can both confide in one another all the things about ourselves that are going on and we only offer up positive feedback -- it works for us and i am glad to have his unadulterated friendship.
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Sep. 23rd, 2004 @ 12:41 am mcgale
Current Mood: contentcontent
i've been shutting the library down for the past couple of nights and just wanted to not that i've never really been able to study in the library until this year. man - this is a year of new everythings to me.
eric wrote me an email and it was so good to hear from someone who actually knows me and is interested in a REAL relationship. it is also good to talk to him as a concerned friend and know that he doesn't hate me or wish me the worst or even try to be my boyfriend again. he's such a good guy - the best i've ever known. strange how i know that he's not for me but i only have good things to say about him. it was good to hear from him is i guess basically what i took a long time to say.
i ran extra hard and long in my new shoes today and they are my new favorite thing.
its good to hang out with people who make you study and make you laugh.
good luck to all those who have crazy hard tests in biochemistry tomorrow!
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Sep. 22nd, 2004 @ 11:42 am new shoes
i had a dream last night about my lone lost shox (i think the singular form is the same as the plural... one of THOSE words) and woke up with fierce determination to find it or get a new pair of running shoes and stop running in the pepto bismol new balances. since i was unlucky in finding the lost shoe i headed over to sportspectrum to pick up a shiny new pair. it was so fun and i am now the proud owner of a new pair of great running shoes which makes me happy and gives me a new wind. i love new running shoes - they always make me run farther and (supposedly) better while i am breaking them in. and these are so light and cushiony -- i just love them.
i about about to lunch with rebekah and adrien -- two of the girls in my pledge class that are great and my favorite and that i mother more than the rest.
i did way too many lunges yesterday as my butt hurts terribly. even to sit here in this chair and cross my legs brings pain. there could be worse things...
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Sep. 22nd, 2004 @ 01:15 am get over it you stupid idiot
You and I got something
But it's all and then it's nothing to me
And I got my defenses
When it comes to your intentions for me
And we wake up in the breakdown
Of the things we never thought we could be

I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
What do you got to move you darling
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all

And I want to get free, talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be all you need
Somehow here is gone
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Sep. 22nd, 2004 @ 12:31 am j to the l - o
yes i have lately been under the influence of possibly the most unartistic music ever made. j lo, beyonce, etc. etc. and after a weekend so full of great music and musicians - but there's a time and a place...
so i played flag football tonight and again came to the realization that i am way too competetive. it was fun though and not too hot.
the weather has been quite lovely lately - esp. in the mornings and evenings when the sun is not beaming down and the wind is blowing and it's a bit cooler than what i've been used to all summer. fall -- what a spectacular season.
i am not one to give false hope, right? but i do believe i have been doing so the past couple of evenings. i guess i just have to stop hanging out in order to get the point across that i am not interested in anything other than friendship... which just sucks because i was so excited about the friends deal and now i can see that was not his primary intention. too bad. hasn't he heard from the centenary gossip train my recent romantic past... doesn't he know i'm tainted goods? well someone should tell him so i don't have to. i'm terrible!
my room is a total disaster right now. i brought in some more pictures and clothes and things and they are now strewn across my room in hopes that i will get tired of the mess and put things away. hasn't happened yet and i'm looking at a busy second half of the week so i don't know if that'll get accomplished until sunday or so.
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Sep. 20th, 2004 @ 01:17 am apartment 262
i love my new room and how it's shaping up. everyone should come visit it. it is strange how representative of yourself a room that you dwell in can be. i have missed all my pictures and it was a delight to pull them out today and set them up. there's still plenty of work to do to get it just right, but tonight i am going to sleep a very happy and content little girl. and my hair smells good too! hales is silly... so fickle and so, well - young. i love her to death and i am glad she is going through all she is going through because it hels me to understand my own circumstances a bit. though i do not totally condone her behavior - i do understand matters of the heart and how it seems that experiencing everything you possibly can in that department of life would help you to figure out what you want and don't want and everything else experience and action should help you understand. it's just so sorry that some learn lessons of this sort so easily and know so soon what is right and good and satisfactory for them and some have to search so long and hard and though i do agree that they should do it and that they wouldn't learn any other way - in the end it proves futile as they realize all the time they've lost and misused and passed over "searching" for what they have always known in the backs of their minds to be what they wanted and needed --- those who end up waiting patiently and those who search uselessly forever both hurt alike in the end... one from knowing they are right and having to wait, the other for cataloguing their accomplishments and merits--wading through the muck of relationships that end up in scorn or hate or hurt or loss only to end up at the end of a raveled cord and yearning for the care and comfort of the one that took such good care of them. why is there such a difference between types of people and how they learn and what they want and how they accomplish that? i mean i'm glad we're not all robots and totally like... but you would think with a bond so strong and eternal as brother/sisterhood in christ that we would all realize the futility in the search for happiness in the opposite sex and trust that god has that person and not to search for it futily in others lips and flesh and promises and smiles -- why is it so fulfilling then -- to feel cared about/for... to feel with your heart and fell felt back?
whoa - why do i get so philosophical on myself so fast?? i read some of eric's emails to me tonight while i was going through my stuff. so long ago.. like 2001 - i realized that no one will ever love me like that... ever!!! but i don't even want that - that exfixiating, smothering, overdone love. it was good for me though - and it did feel nice. but it is odd to read that and know i could have it again if i'd only pick up the phone and ask --- but i don't want it and am sick at the prospect. so see... it is possible to move on and not be fickle which is the right way to do things, guys! i just know that there's a difference - but don't have the energy to discuss with myself right now.
hales - if you read this... you know i don't hate you or disapprove - heck - i told you to break up with cootie (sp?) and move on to jeremy or bob or whoever you come across. i just worry about your heart and its over-exertion. i am exercising the "high c's" (thanks p-rick!!) on you. i have ultimate compassion, care, and whatever else for you - no matter what the cost. i love you and you know that. this whole thing is mostly about me talking myself and discussing myself and getting myself back to some sort of normalcy. you know my heart and where it stands and how it is the ruin of me. i hate how it clings and cares so unabashedly. i wish it were much more easy and unaffected. that is not me though - i do not exercise the casual relationship very well but am learning, lest i end it all.
cal is my ultimate best friend... marriage and all.
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Sep. 19th, 2004 @ 05:56 pm sundays
i love sundays when you actually feel like you've accomplished something. all my clothes are clean and actually put away. i've moved just about everything into my room in the apartment and i am starting to feel like it is mine and i live there instead of just being a visitor. my uncle and i had a good talk today about - well just about our lives and it was nice to catch up with him and hear that he is doing well. it was also nice to see that i can still pad conversation and pass things off as nothing even if they mean a lot more to me.
callie, leslee, and haylee are coming over to watch the emmy's and i'm so excited.
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Sep. 19th, 2004 @ 02:23 am acl
there's something about the visceral experience that nothing else can substitute for. music exponentially enriches and enhances my life. strange how much music can mean to you. religiously music enhances my relationship and communion with god. in friendships music is shared and enjoyed together. in love music triggers so many memories. it's uncanny how some songs can make me smile or bring tears so my eyes or make me start moving a certain way or put me in a certain mood. seeing two women who have written and performed music that has so structured and validated so much of my experiences and feelings was such a great thing... verging on religious experience. i had the best weekend and shared it with my favorite person. something about being in a crowd of thousands and still being able to personally experience something apart and different from everyone else, even those who are standing shoulder to shoulder with you, is just such an inexplicable and wonderful thing.
today on the drive home i heard three songs one after the other that reminded me of my past three relationships that are no longer in existence and it was just a sort of a sign that all is well. it's so hard to just get over things. so hard, my friends. there are things that i thought i forgot and i thought held no reign over me that i can now plainly see still hold every bit as much sway over the way i think or act or feel as someone who is still acknowledged as someone else's. it is not nice to play with people's emotions, guys. not nice at all.
i saw wimbledon today and it (a)restored my love for tennis (b) restored my love for love (c) restored my love for kirsten dunst (d) restored my love for london
ok so last thursday i woke up and had had enough and said to myself - get over it, you stupid idiot!!! and i think i am and i am glad. though i do hate hate hate the lies and shadiness that seems to hang in all the corners laughs and sharp, high pitched squeals used to. and that's that and all that will ever be. arrivederci!
i love my dad and the way he cares for me so well -- i know it's constant and complete even if it's rarely voiced only because of distance and difference of lives. it sucks to be not be mad at someone you have every right to and feel like if you were mad you'd be getting more attention. and then to have to tell your dad about your life which is completely different from only a few months ago and wish that someone hadn't been so compelled to meet him then so there'd be less explaining and trying to be nice now. again... get over it, you stupid idiot.

excerpt from Mad Mission by Patty Griffin
I think I've seen the look before,yes,
it's kind of non-commital
It says come hither, baby
but then he's hard wood to whittle
it says it don't mean a thing
but still, somebody does
He'd like you to join the club that likes to say
there's no such thing as love and

It's a mad mission
Under difficult conditions
not everybody makes it
To the loving cup
It's a mad mission
But I got the ambition
Mad, mad mission
sign me up

excerpt from Let Him Fly by Patti Griffin
There's no mercy in a live wire
No rest at all in freedom
Of the choices we are given it's no choice at all
The proof is in the fire
You touch before it moves away
But you must always know how long to stay and when to go

And there ain't no talkin to this man
He's been tryin to tell me so
It took awhile to understand the beauty of just letting go
Cause it would take an acrobat, I already tried all that
I'm gonna let him fly
I'm gonna let him fly
I'm gonna let him fly

excerpt from Nobody Crying by Patti Griffin
May you dream you are dreaming, in a warm soft bed
And may the voices inside you that fill you with dread
Make the sound of thousands of angels instead
Tonight where you might be laying your head

But darling, I wish you well
On your way to the wishing well
Swinging off of those gates of hell
But I can tell how hard you're trying
Just have that secret hope
Sometimes all we do is cope
Somewhere on the steepest slope
there'll be an endless rope
And nobody crying.
And nobody crying,
Nobody crying

I'm obviously on a bit of a PG kick - only because i've always known she was great... but seeing her in person was perhaps one of the most fantastic things i've ever been able to do.
peace on the inside.
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Sep. 17th, 2004 @ 01:42 am great company
ben is so one of my favorite people. he makes me laugh uncontrollably about things that aren't even funny. i love him.
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Sep. 16th, 2004 @ 11:32 pm all smiles
i had such a great day and am looking forward to an even better weekend. i finished up my essay for am. art at about 3 this morning and had the wierdest night's sleep ever. i woke up like every hour and was just very unrested this morning when i needed to get up and go to class. but funny how that did not put a damper on the majority of my day -- so i was quite happy. i didn't really do anything of great value today... went to class, worked out, went shopping and bought some shoes, went to maggie moo's with sammy and had a blast, went to chi o meeting, and had a great talk with sittig. now i just need to settle down so i can get some sleep and get ready to leave for austin in the morning to see patty and sheryl!!!! so incredibly excited i can't stand it!!
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